✗ Without skills
“You always take the good markers and it's not fair and I hate working with you.”
“Well you're mean and you never share either.”
→ Blame, escalation, fight
✓ With skills
“I feel frustrated because I wanted the blue marker and you took it without asking.”
“I didn't know you wanted it. Can we take turns?”
→ Expression, understanding, resolution
The difference is not personality. It is instruction. The assumption that children learn communication through social exposure alone is one of the most persistent and costly assumptions in elementary education.[1]
Why Communication Skills Need to Be Taught
As screen time replaces face-to-face interaction, the informal learning opportunities previous generations relied on — playground negotiations, neighborhood play, unstructured social time — have diminished.[2]
Elementary school is where the foundation is built. The skills developed (or not developed) during these years shape every relationship, every conflict, and every collaborative experience for years to come.[1]
Five Core Communication Skills
Active listening
Hearing is passive. Listening is active: attend, process, and respond in a way that demonstrates understanding. Teaching listening also builds attention skills.
Attending
Eyes on speaker. Body oriented. Hands still. Mouth closed.
Processing
Understanding what they mean, not just what they say. Requires perspective-taking.
Responding
Paraphrasing, nodding, questioning. “So you're saying...?”
K-2
“Eyes watching, ears listening, mouth quiet, body still, heart caring.” Partner shares where listener repeats back.
3-5
Teach paraphrasing: “So what you're saying is...” Add emotional dimension: “What were they feeling?”
Verbal expression
Saying what you mean clearly, specifically, and in a way that produces the outcome you want. Most breakdowns are not caused by children who refuse to talk — but by children who cannot say what they mean constructively.
“I feel” statements
“I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason].” Names experience without blaming. Practice during SEL lessons.
Specific language
“You always” → “today when you...” “You never” → “I noticed that...” Specificity reduces defensiveness.
Requesting language
“Give me that” (demand) → “Can I have a turn when you're done?” (request). Requests include reasons.
K-2
Sentence starters posted visually: “I feel ___.” “Can I please ___?” “I need ___.” Practice through role-play.
3-5
Specificity training + respectful disagreement: “I see it differently because...” “I understand your point, and I also think...”
Nonverbal communication
A significant portion of communication is nonverbal: facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, eye contact, gestures. This is social awareness expressed through communication.
Reading cues
“Look at her face. What might she be feeling?” “His arms are crossed. What might that mean?”
Managing your signals
“I'm not mad” while clenching fists = contradictory message. The listener believes the body over the words.
K-2
Emotion charades. Matching faces to feelings. “Show me what happy looks like. Now frustrated.”
3-5
Contradictory messages: “She said 'fine' but rolled her eyes. Which is true?” Tone of voice practice.
Assertive communication
The middle ground between passivity and aggression. Directly connected to courage — each assertive statement requires managing the fear of social consequences.
Passive
“It's fine. Whatever you want.”
Needs unexpressed
Aggressive
“You're doing it wrong. Give it to me.”
At others' expense
Assertive
“I have a different idea. Can I share it?”
Needs + respect
K-2
“Please stop. I don't like that.” Practice this exact phrase until fluent. Add: “If they don't stop, tell an adult.”
3-5
“I disagree, and here's why.” “I'm not comfortable with that.” Role-play choosing assertive over passive/aggressive.
Conversational skills
The most complex — requires all four previous skills operating simultaneously: listening, expressing, reading cues, and asserting without dominating.
Turn-taking
One talks, the other listens, then switch. “Respond to what they said, not something completely different.”
Building on what was said
“I agree, and I also think...” “That makes me think of...” Creates dialogue, not sequential monologues.
Asking questions
“What made you think that?” “Can you tell me more?” Curiosity as a communication skill.
Repairing misunderstandings
“That's not what I meant. Let me try again.” Prevents escalation into conflict.
K-2
Structured partner conversations with prompts. Talking stick/ball to signal turns.
3-5
Socratic circles/fishbowl discussions. Norms: “Respond to what was said before adding your own idea.”
The Communication-Conflict Connection
Most classroom conflicts are communication failures. Conflict resolution is not a separate skill from communication — it is communication applied to disagreement.
Describe the problem
Understand the other perspective
Generate solutions
Agree on a solution
Recognize when repair is needed
Communication Across the School Day
Morning meeting
Structured sharing is communication practice. Make the skills explicit: “When your classmate is sharing, listen with your whole body and respond to what they said.”
Academic discussions
“Before you share, listen to what the person before you said. Start by connecting: 'I agree because...' or 'I see it differently because...'”
Group work
Before: review expectations. “Everyone shares one idea before anyone shares two.” After: debrief communication. “How did your group handle disagreements?” Teamwork activities require these skills.
Conflict moments
Coach the communication: “Tell them how you feel using an I-feel statement. Now listen back. What do you both need?” Slower than teacher-resolved, but builds the skills.
The SEL Connection
Communication is the medium through which every CASEL competency is expressed interpersonally.
Identifying emotions and expressing them in words — "I feel frustrated"
Self-managementManaging the impulse to say something hurtful; choosing constructive language
Social awarenessReading nonverbal cues, interpreting tone, understanding meaning beyond words
Relationship skillsThe entire competency is built on communication — listening, cooperating, resolving
Decision-makingExpressing reasoning, advocating positions, negotiating outcomes
The Character Connection
Communication skills make every character trait expressible:
The skill to say difficult truths clearly and kindly
CourageThe skill to speak up when it would be easier to stay silent
RespectExpressed through listening attentively, speaking courteously, acknowledging others
ResponsibilityThe skill to say "I did it" and "how can I fix it?"
FairnessAdvocating: "Not everyone had a turn. Can we make sure everyone gets one?"
What to Avoid
✗ Assuming exposure equals instruction
Putting children in discussions doesn't teach discussion skills any more than putting them in a pool teaches swimming. Teach explicitly.
✗ Teaching only speaking
Instruction often emphasizes speaking while underteaching listening. A child who listens well but speaks imperfectly builds stronger connections than one who speaks brilliantly but never listens.
✗ Penalizing communication styles
Eye contact, volume, directness vary across cultures. A child not making eye contact may be following a cultural norm. Difference is not deficiency.
✗ Correcting during emotional moments
“Use an I-feel statement” to a sobbing child is an instruction they can't execute. Regulate first. Teach after.
The Bigger Picture
Every friendship formed, every conflict resolved, every idea shared, every feeling expressed, every need communicated, every question asked — happens through communication.
A child who learns to say “I feel frustrated because I wanted the blue marker” instead of “you always take the good markers” has not just learned a technique. They have learned to convert a fight into a conversation — one of the most valuable skills a human being can possess.
Teach the listening. Teach the expression. Teach the reading. Teach the asserting. Teach the conversing. The child who practices these skills in second grade is building the capacity they will use in every relationship for the rest of their life.
References
- National Communication Association. Communication Skills Training for Elementary School Students. natcom.org
- Edutopia. (2025). Cultivating Speaking and Listening Skills in the Primary Grades. edutopia.org
- Virtual Lab School. Communication: School-Age Children. virtuallabschool.org
- Geurts, H. (2019). Five Indicators of Communication Skills. Via: researchgate.net
- Heart and Mind Teaching. (2023). Teaching Communication Skills in the Classroom. heartandmindteaching.com
Convert Fights into Conversations
Be The Buffalo builds communication skills through weekly lessons — active listening, I-feel statements, assertive expression, and conversational practice. Not an assumption but a practice, built into every lesson.
Sign Up FreeRelated Resources
Conflict Resolution Activities
Communication applied to disagreements.
CASEL: What Are Relationship Skills?
Communication as the first component of relationship skills.
Empathy Lessons
The social awareness that makes listening meaningful.
Teamwork Activities
The collaborative setting where communication is practiced.